Eric Knickerbocker
December 20, 2000
Have you ever stopped and really considered your sins? Our sins are often so shameful to us that we wish to rid ourselves of their ugly stain and rightly so. However, before we so hastily “bury” them under the blood, perhaps we ought to take a moment and ask ourselves why we did what we did. Our sins tell us things about ourselves. We usually sin because we want something good, we just go about it in the wrong way. Finding out what we want—and why we want it—can help us find an effective way to deal with the problem according to God’s plan and design. Usually we will find there is some underlying symptom—a deeper root—that needs to be dealt with. Often we will not know how to do this. But with God’s grace, we can nip the problem in the bud.
Drug addicts have a problem. That much is obvious. But what is not so obvious is that the primary problem is not primarily drugs. Drug addicts often turn to drugs because it helps them feel better about themselves. But why do they need to feel better about themselves? Because they feel they are worthless? Feel they are the social rejects? The people who are always the brunt of the jokes of others? Always the last to be chosen? Always the born losers? But why do they feel worthless? Because they do not feel loved? Because they do not feel accepted? Because they do not know how to reach out?
Now how many drug addicts come to the conclusion that their problem is not drugs, but a perceived lack of love? Most probably do not. Instead they will likely keep kicking themselves for doing drugs, but then they keep doing them, partly to give them temporary relief from the pain of their own boot blistering their own butts. So why do they feel the need to continue doing drugs? I mean, just stop and there is no more kicking themselves, right? Why do they keep doing drugs? Perhaps it is because they do not honestly ask themselves that very question. They do not ask themselves why in an honest search for answers. Not only is that a very difficult question, it is also a very painful one. To get an honest answer, it means facing the fact that they are drug addicts and that they have done something really bad. But facing this fact does not mean that they are bad. They are not bad people—they are sick people. And Jesus said that it is the sick who need the Physician. Kicking oneself never got anyone anywhere. Facing reality squarely is the only way to grow: facing the painful, bare-naked truth head-on with the grace of God.
If we, like this example of the drug addict, ask ourselves why we keep committing that same old sin again that we are so ashamed of, we too may be able to peel back the layers of the onion to reveal the heart of the issue.
Most people’s lives are fragmented. That is why they are always learning but never able to acknowledge the truth. Most people learn new things every day and acquire more knowledge. But it is kind of like connecting the dots. Unless those dots are connected, it does not matter how many dots there are, all you will have is a fragmented pattern of dots. To connect the dots we need a reference point, a starting place. We need a Dot Number One at the center of our lives. Then the other dots will fall into place.
In the process of growing toward holiness (and by extension, wholeness), we begin, with God’s help, to connect those dots. All those bits of knowledge begin to come together into a bigger picture. This emerging “big picture” helps us become more and more complete, more and more Christlike. We grow in grace and understanding. We grow toward wholeness. We grow toward the Dot Numbered One.
We will never be able to connect the dots if we just keep running back to Christ for a “quick fix” and do not squarely face our sin, and with God’s grace deal with the issue that caused us to sin, burying it for good under the blood. The next time you sin, rather than kicking yourself and feeling a sense of debilitating shame, ask yourself, “Why did I do it?” Now be honest. It was not right. You know that much already. But why did you do it? That sin may be telling you something about yourself, something that needs mending by the Mender of Broken Hearts.
Did you envy your neighbor in your heart? You must have felt that something was lacking in your life that your neighbor had. What? Why did you feel that way? Maybe it was because you have felt neglected by your spouse lately, and your neighbor seems to have such a good relationship. Have you talked to God about your marital problems? Or have you been too busy or distracted to really seek His help and counsel? He cares about your heart. You have a right to feel pain. God designed it. You feel it because it is telling you something is wrong: and that something is something your Father can heal.
Or maybe your neighbor is really smart and you would really like to be, but you do not believe that you are. Why is being smart so important to you? Why do you think you are not? Maybe you have unrealistic expectations by thinking that being smart would make you happy. Maybe it is not really being smart that is important to you, but feeling good about yourself and finding peace and joy that is the issue. You just thought that by being smart you would automatically be happy. So you really do not want to be smart so much, as to be happy. And what would make you happy? God can help you see reality clearly and accept yourself for who you are, giving you that peace and happiness you seek. And He might even make you smarter while He’s at it!
You see, we all hide things from ourselves. It is not fun to admit that we feel inferior, that we feel jealous, that we feel stupid, that we feel we do not measure up, that we feel like we have failed, that we feel lonely and unlovable. But denying that we feel that way—pretending that we do not—will lead us nowhere. Until we admit how we feel, we will never make peace with ourselves. And until we find peace with ourselves, we are prime candidates for a struggle with sin.
When we feel down on ourselves, we are ripe targets for envy, jealousy, backbiting, and a host of related ills. But if we admit we feel down on ourselves and go to God, and say, “God, I feel really down on myself. I am a complete failure: I am an absolute wreck, my life is falling down around my ears in shambles. I am stupid, I am dumb, I am unlovable, and I keep messing up and failing you again and again: Lord, I need your touch. I need your hand in this matter. Help me to be at peace with myself and at peace with you.” If we go to God in this way, we will find help is waiting for us there. It might not happen overnight, but soon we may find ourselves looking back and saying, “Wow. I do not remember getting better. But I am. Thank you, Lord!” Ah, I am sure God would smile. I am sure He is honored to help us, His precious children. He loved us enough to die for us. Surely He would not mind helping us out of our bind.
We live in a sin sick world. We are humans and we have inherited a sinful nature that was tainted at The Great Fall. Getting better is not an overnight process: it is a lifelong process. But we can speed our recovery along by being honest with ourselves and with God. Do you want to feel the pain of your sickness day after dreary day, or would you rather feel the pain of the surgery for a short time so that you can lead a sweeter life on the other side of recovery? The choice is yours. The Great Physician stands waiting and ready. Are you?
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