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sara
Major
Gender: Unspecified
Location: Registered: Feb 2006 Status: Offline Posts: 1253 |
     
 Posted Friday, June 2, 2006 @ 05:02 PM
“What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning.” Much to say, but, regretfully, no time to say it, so, in the meantime, I thought I’d encourage you with a few lines from Eliot. Will write more this weekend…. |
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sara
Major
Gender: Unspecified
Location: Registered: Feb 2006 Status: Offline Posts: 1253 |
Posted Saturday, June 3, 2006 @ 02:27 PM
When you ended that paragraph in your newsletter (Personal Reflections on Faith and Doubt) with the sentence….”But there is one person at least who still can evoke some sense of faith in me…..” I thought for sure that the next paragraph was going to begin….”And that man is Jesus Christ.” But, no….or maybe yes….if you consider that Christ may be dwelling in the heart of the person you admire so greatly, Father Chumbley. Maybe I’m obstinate, but, although I don’t believe exactly like most of the other Christians I know, I still consider myself to be a Christian. I mean, is it REALLY an “either/or” decision? Either you have to accept EVERYTHING the church teaches or else you can’t belong? I love Christ…I believe He was a beloved son of God, and I know that He was resurrected in a very real sense. Right after the crucifixion, his disciples were frightened, disorganized, and confused. …until He appeared to them. After that, their faith was so strong that many of them died terrible deaths rather than recant. No one can doubt that something really powerful entered their lives. I think I might have sent you this quotation from Tolstoy before, but, it’s so appropriate, I just had to include it… “If the thought comes to you that everything that you have thought about God is mistaken and there is no God, be not dismayed. It happens to many people. But do not think that the source of your unbelief is that there is not God. If you no longer believe in the God in whom you believed before, this comes from the fact that there was something wrong with your belief and you must strive to grasp better that which you call God. When a savage ceases to believe in his wooden God, this does not mean that there is no God, but only that the true God is not made of wood.” Actually, I disagree with Tolstoy on one point. I don’t think that when one’s consciousness changes through time, one’s prior beliefs are necessarily “wrong.” They may be right on a different, but completely valid, level of understanding. An illiterate peasant may understand God in a less abstract sense than an atomic physicist, but if their lives are transformed by their love for their differing conceptualizations of God, who is to say which one is “right”? BTW, I’m certainly glad that you didn’t decide to abandon your newsletter. I enjoy it very much. |
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karen
First Sergeant
Gender: Unspecified
Location: US Registered: Feb 2006 Status: Offline Posts: 209 |
Posted Saturday, June 3, 2006 @ 03:18 PM
I’m inclined to agree |
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sara
Major
Gender: Unspecified
Location: Registered: Feb 2006 Status: Offline Posts: 1253 |
Posted Monday, June 5, 2006 @ 08:14 AM
Frankly, Monsieur Renaissance, I suspect your “loss of faith” in traditional Christianity has more to do with personal disappointment than it does with spiritual disillusionment. That is a gentle way of saying it has everything to do with you….Eric….and little to do with Christ. Intellectually, I’m sure you are aware of how incredibly difficult it is to get admitted into one of the top universities In America—you are competing with the best and the brightest from not only our own country, but from other countries as well. As I said, I am sure you recognize this intellectually, but, emotionally, it must have come as quite a blow to receive seven letters of rejection. I’ve learned, through experience, that “I” am composed of many selves, each of whom has a life of her own. During times of grace, when we are all working together to achieve a common goal (and especially when in the service of what I believe to be God’s will), I’m filled with joy, confidence, and power. If my selves are out of sync, however, I have to rely on my True Self….The Observer? Will? (I don’t know…YOU’RE the philosopher…not me) to manage my affairs. This usually involves hugging my “Emotional I”….(actually there are several emotional I’s, but the childish one seems to cause the most mischief), and sending her to her room, which allows her to pout, stamp her feet or curl up in the fetal position & suck her thumb for awhile without hurting anyone else…including my other selves. Given enough time, she eventually exhausts herself or gets bored and is willing to join the rest of us. We welcome her with open arms because not only do we love her, for she truly does want to be “good” and is a vital part of our family. Be kind to yourself…or should I say selves?…but, until you’ve stabilized, be very skeptical of any insights you reach until you’re sure which one of “You” has come to the conclusions. I hope this makes sense to you. If not, read Gurdjieff. He’s a little wacky, but I’m fond of him and, although he lacks humility and assumes he knows more than he does, I have found some of his theories about personality to be very useful. Or…perhaps I’ve simply figured out a way to adapt to a mild form of schizophrenia.  From my family to yours…with affection, Sara. |
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sara
Major
Gender: Unspecified
Location: Registered: Feb 2006 Status: Offline Posts: 1253 |
Posted Monday, June 5, 2006 @ 09:43 AM
PS I hope I wasn’t being too presumptuous…getting so personal, I mean. Perhaps in my effort to be helpful, I’m missing the entire point of the newsletter. Maybe you are going through an intellectual crisis….a genuine turning point in your understanding of Christ. If so….I’m sorry that I misunderstood. To make amends and confirm you suspicions that I’m totally flaky…I’ll leave you with a quote from that darling of the “New Age” generation (most of whom have never read him)…..Carl Jung…. “The growth of the mind is the widening of the range of consciousness, and…each step forward is a most painful and laborious achievement. “ PPS That snide comment about the New Agers wasn’t “me” either….in addition to that little brat who sulks a lot, I also have a cigarette-smoking cynical and foul mouthed old lady pacing around in the attic of my personality. I hardly EVER let her come down and join us…. bitch, that she is. The only thing I really like about her is that she has a pretty good sense of humor and never lies. She’s a tough old bird, too, which I sort of admire. |
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Admin
General
Gender: Male
Location: USA Registered: Jan 2006 Status: Offline Posts: 810 |
Posted Tuesday, June 6, 2006 @ 03:47 PM
This last newsletter sparked a fair amount of e-mail correspondence that has been keeping me quite busy by way of reply. I started to type out a response today to a believer who has been struggling with the question of evolution and who, while not ready to cozy up to full-blown Calvinism, nevertheless finds strong Biblical warrant for the “perseverance of the Saints,” or what is more commonly known as “eternal security” or “once saved always saved.” I mentioned that my own thinking was becoming increasingly heterodox in the latest newsletter and it occurred to me as my reply grew longer and longer that I would do well to be this honest on the forum, for once committing myself publicly to the views I currently hold. My views may not be true, but they are what seems truest to me at this point after much agonizing doubt and reflection: this is what I really believe, put out in the open where it and its author alike risk ridicule. I offer my beliefs here in the hopes other might draw something from them. They are not offered as absolute truth, though I do believe them to be true, or else I would not think it important to post them here. My letter to this long-term subscriber begins: My own doubts are a lot more central [to what I take to be the heart of Christianity than issues of evolution or even eternal security]. I have always wondered if Jesus really is God and if salvation as presented in Christianity is really an issue. Far from fearing about my salvation, perhaps I do not fear it enough. I also stumble over the idea that the most important question concerns eternity when the only certainty that we have is the life we now live. Our life may be asked of us at any moment of course, but while it lasts, it is as certain as any certainty here on earth ever could be. Traditional Christianity—Jesus Himself—has much to say about loving God and one’s neighbor, but those elements are de-emphasized in a lot of contemporary Christianity, particularly the evangelical variety where personal salvation is almost everything, no greater question than “If you were to die today, do you know where you would spend eternity?” the preeminent consideration in all of life. I really struggle with these kinds of claims, particularly when I see how many different religions there are in the world. I am definitely not an exclusivist in my thinking nor am I a pluralist, but rather an inclusivist (as per my recent Smorgasbord under the heading “Pluralism"  : one who ultimately believes (though he is often given to doubt) that Christianity is true but that Jesus is merciful and is revealed in greater or lesser degree (though less adequately) in other faiths (and even more “as in a glass darkly". I’ll just tell you how things look in my world, a very individualized perspective of the faith but what seems truest to me.First, I do not view the Bible as being infallible or inerrant. I never have and I probably never will. I think it is despicable that it is held up in this light for I think it is patently false to make this claim and thus ultimately leads to unnecessary disillusionment when those taught to regard it as just such a magic book begin to see how it appears to an impartial but critical study. In other words, by making a false claim about it in an attempt to safeguard and enshroud, in the end, the falsity of our claim undermines our credibility in other areas as well. Rather, the Bible is a book that I believe is probably inspired by God and contains truth as it appeared to its authors. Let me provide an analogy. Imagine a husband who stands up in church and gives his personal testimony, stating that on June 7 he “gave his life to the Lord” and those present are moved to tears by the spirit, power, and immediacy of his words. On their way home, however, his wife gently reminds him that it was actually July 7 and he knows immediately he was mistaken in what he said. The inspiration of the Holy Spirit was not found in the inerrancy of the man’s testimony but in the deeper truth to which it pointed: namely the transformation of the man and the Lord who effected it. If Jesus is Lord and salvation is as important as the Bible claims, then it contains what we need to know to navigate through this life and into the one to come through discovering the Person of Christ. If these things are true, then it is a sacred book and greatly to be revered and esteemed insofar as it tells us this good news, but it should never, ever be esteemed and enshrouded the way countless believers do who first make it a requirement to swear to its inerrancy and then use this declaration as a means of separating the false believer from the true. And by extension, it often affords a means of arguing with one another about the particulars of various systematic and contradictory theologies derived from its pages. In other words, such a religion has become almost exclusively text-based, not Person-based, and thus seems to have missed the most central point of what Christianity is all about and the reason why the word “Christ” figures so prominently into its name. Also for me, things like the Virgin birth and so on really don’t even matter to me: if they turned out to be embellishments of the text, my faith would hardly be compromised on that account. And though I once was greatly bothered by evolution, I am not in the least affected by that either now. Since that is one of the current issues you are dealing with, let me pause and mention where I am at on that question. A turning point in my thinking came when I read the commentary in the The Pentateuch and Haftorahs lent to me by a Jewish professor I was taking for philosophy. I have posted the most influential part of that commentary, not as fact but as an expression of contemporary Orthodox Jewish thought. If it is true, then it will benefit its readers and if it is not, it does not deserve to be elevated. The picture it presents is ultimately one that suggests that if evolution is true, then what we read in the Genesis account is exactly what we would expect to read: a process, conceptualized as days, in which a gradual unfolding began to develop according to God’s pre-approved plan. As I considered this idea in my own mind, I was struck by what I see in nature around me every day. Babies do not spring forth fully grown like Athena from the head of Zeus, but start out as the union of a single sperm cell and the ovum it has penetrated. No one questions such happenings, for they are easily observable facts of our universe. So too, when I place a seed into the ground, its shell decays away and little by little a new life is born. What has been often called micro-evolution is a fact that evangelicals no longer deny and artificial selection plainly works. I do not see such things as being mutually exclusive anymore: I think it quite probable that God designed the universe as a creature that not only gave birth according to an internal plan He wove within it (just like He “knit” the Psalmist in his mother’s womb), but that the world is still unfolding and expanding. The salvific process itself, at least as seen in older and in my opinion wiser and more venerable expressions of Christianity, is also a process. I really think that much of the debate with evolution falls back on that fundamentalist/evangelical insistence that the Bible is inerrant and literal in every sense: that the husband could not possibly be inspired and yet mistakenly report that he was saved on June 7 rather than July. This insistence on inerrancy is a stumbling block for countless people. The desire to honor the Scriptures is truly commendable, but the means is despicable because it is false, however well intentioned and honest. Now then, about my being an inclusivist. As you know, my means to becoming a Christian had to do with an actual encounter with God quite apart from any traditional methods (I did not even know to call Him God at the time); additionally, you know that I am given at times to visions and mystic encounters, some of which have involved Christ. Being also very rational and trained in the Western university, I tend to distrust these visions, for they can be dismissed quite readily if one is a mind. (Faith, I am always reminded, is just that—faith—and will never be other as long as we walk here on earth.) What I find puzzling about my prayer life is that I am as a man of two minds, for I will pray with utter reverence and sincerity, prefacing my prayers with the address “Lord God,” believing that I am directly addressing Christ and God and that the two are one (“Lord God” being the title of one, not two) and that I am speaking to Him very intimately and personally. Yet when I try to examine those beliefs according to any set of creeds, trying to match them up to the Gospel narratives, they suddenly fall apart and seem very silly and I wonder “Is Jesus really God?” I do not doubt when I pray with my heart, or it doesn’t seem I do, but with my head, I am never certain at all. A central premise in Caputo’s book On Religion (mentioned in this latest issue) is Augustine’s question “What do I love when I love my God?” the idea being in part that God is an eternal mystery and however revealed He may be in Christ, Christ is also a mystery for if nothing else He is an embodiment and representation of this mystery. I think the reason I have long been gravitating toward an Anglo-Catholic understanding of the faith is because it preserves these mysteries and does not insist on such a wooden, black-and-white interpretation of the Biblical text, seeing this as the litmus test of preeminent importance for authentic spirituality. I personally am very inclined to believe the numerous first-hand narratives found across many traditions of persons who have had NDE’s (near-death experiences) regarding the tunnel of white light, which is so well known as to have become proverbial. Particularly sparked by the religious conversion of Ian McCormack after his NDE from being stung by box jellyfish (one of the most deadly and poisonous creatures alive) and my own visionary experiences, I believe it probable that upon death, all will enter that tunnel of white light. [Right click and select “Save target as / Save link as” to download both MP3s of McCormack’s approximately hour-and-a-half long account: Part I and Part II—some inspiring but mind-bending stuff! even if the audio quality leaves a bit to be desired.] The white light itself is the radiance emitted from Christ, who stands as the (literal) narrow gate upon which the tunnel between this life and the next culminates. No man may enter except through Him and every knee will bow and confess that He is Lord of the universe, even if one never knew to call Him by that name or even recognizes Him by His Christian name upon arrival. Christ is filled with compassion for all persons and willingly steps aside for any man and woman who wishes to enter. In many instances, the last will be first. The real confession, the real test, will be to look into those eyes of terrible and awesome love and to be able to face the blackness of one’s own heart, for of course no one is worthy of love: love creates worth. Thus, the most important question of all will be settled then, when, seeing Him face to face, our own conscience either warms to His love and grace or we turn aside to the outer darkness for we can not bear to look upon Him or be in His presence. What to others is the piercing of His love and joy to us is torturous, and our hell would be an eternity with Him (for it would be an eternal living with our own loathsome selves): that is what we have chosen by the choices we have made in life and this is the choice we have carried with us to the moment of death and we will forever live with the consequences of these decisions, a world we have created for ourselves. Redemption may still be possible, but it is doubtful we would ever take it, having so long rejected it in favor of what we believe will offer us greater happiness and reward. You will have opportunity to hear Ian McCormack’s testimony if you wish: again, the links are in the paragraph above. His testimony accords well with my own visionary experiences. The following is excerpted from perhaps the most profound (and possibly first) vision I have had of Christ and it sounds reminiscent of a lot of mystic experiences across the various traditions, though it was really quite unique. This account dates to late night 7/08/05 - 7/09/05; the e-mail was written in the afternoon on 7/09/05. I write: Quote: I realized on a very deep level that the heart of the Gospel is indeed love and that when we are called upon to love our enemies and do good to those who persecute us and to consider others better than ourselves; these are not brutal commandments but rather an opportunity to enter into the most glorious joy, freedom, and peace imaginable. Last night I was bathed in love even as I loved, for in my dreams, I was selfless and giving and it was easy because Jesus was so tangible to me, inside of me, loving through me. Harmony and unity resulted and in one myriad moment it all coalesced to the heart of Christ: the entire world emanating from it and I recognizing how all was really one: a truly mystic moment that can never be captured in words. I woke up feeling blessed and much refreshed and felt compelled to fast. So I did and had an astounding time at the new dojo and still feel very blessed, even after being instructed [by the inner prompting of the Holy Spirit which was very real and powerful to me all day long] to break my fast upon returning home. Last night, God showed me things that I cannot really describe beyond what I have here and much of it involved giving me new eyes with which to see my world and a heart of love with which to embrace it: not just those I love, but all of life. The Sadhu wrote something very similar to my experience last night in my dreams when he describes his second vision (particularly the highlighted part—see here): I thanked God my Master for rescuing me … I opened my mind, and spread it out before Him: Joy of the companionship of my Master came to me: Pleasure filled me, and happiness … I finished my prayer and opened my eyes. I saw a Person standing before me: tall and fair, With perfect face, keen-eyed, and from head to foot He was bright, bright! Out of Him lightning-flashes of live truth struck into me: Love full-strength burst from Him: Love full-strength rushed into me - I fell at His feet: His spirit and His image entered me: He filled me with light, with love … Then He was gone … Now He shows Himself to me in all places, in all things: It is He, in the beating of my heart, in my breath, In the sun’s rays, in the dew, in the wind’s moving, In the bird’s rising, in the insects’ chirp, In the river’s chant, In the green breadth of the fields and the height of the trees, He only, He Himself - Who was and is now and will be endlessly! All—everything—coalesced together into the heart of Christ. From His heart emanated the universe, its true center. Not pantheism, but simply truth, not simply truth, but love. [This next part sounds almost superficial as I read it now, but I know at the time I was trying to express a revelation that could not be captured in words. Often when one tries to capture a revelation, it sounds banal, trite, or superficial and not at all how it seems when one is writing it, for epiphanies rarely collapse well into mere words. We have all heard of love this, love that, and love, love, love and become rather jaded: we’ve overdosed on the saccharine portrayals where there is much fluff and almost no substance. If at all possible, put aside that conception of a hollow quest that amounts to very little and consider a man who has just seen the Risen Christ and all that such love entails. I hate sounding trite when feeling so inspired.] Love, love, love, love, love is the only answer: to love our enemies, to do good to those who persecute us, to bless those who curse us, to care for the orphans and widows, to consider others better than ourselves. In doing these things, joy, peace, happiness, contentment: all those blessed things become ours [in other words, it is not sacrifice as it sometimes seems but the road to the only true happiness known to man: an ultimate paradox, but the path to eternal bliss like none we’ve ever know before or only rarely] and the amazing thing is that it is not us but He who loves inside of us: we touch the world with His love. It has been a long time since I have realized it as profoundly as I did last night; it took His love to open my eyes. And amazingly, that is very often what fairy tales awaken within me is this awesome, subliminal sense of truth and love: a vision of the world, if you life, a knowing that can only be awoken in the deepest parts of a man’s soul. What is more, I curse the language that prohibits me from saying what I so long to say. Let us just simply say the Christ came to me in my dreams last night and He spoke to me, He spoke through me, and His love pierced me and pierced those around me through Him in me and I was filled with ecstasy and a heightened spiritual awareness that all these hours later has still not faded. Unfortunately, it did fade and rather quickly at that. I think I felt even lower later than I had before the encounter, which could have a biological basis: our bodies simply were not designed to keep pumping out endorphins like that. In fact, I had been fasting and it was upon (reluctantly) breaking my fast that I begin to sink. And I am very inclined to doubt any mystic encounters I have, my skeptical mind coming up with a hundred explanations that would trouble the child within: that part of myself that prays to “Lord God,” believing he is addressing Christ and that Christ is at once God as well as Lord of the Universe, the means by which the mystery of God became known, though remaining no less a mystery for all of that. Perhaps that is one of the biggest differences I see between the Christian faith and others of the world: many other faiths deal with God but not with Christ. Christ very well may have appeared to them as I believe He did me in the vision above, but they did not know who He was. No matter. For the higher question is not do we know Christ, I do not suppose, but does He know us? They go together, of course, but perhaps you take my deeper meaning. Be these beliefs as they may, I experience grievous doubts about the divinity of Christ in large degree because I long so strongly to believe—because I long so much for living water and not dead orthodoxy—and because in my better moments Christ is truly beautiful to me in a way that makes me ashamed, filled with the strangest longing, and wishing very much that my tears were always so hot and stinging. I am reminded of an article from Fredrica Matthews-Green entitled (deceptively) Da Vinci Code: “Yeah, Whatever”: it is relatively short, very inspiring, has almost nothing if anything to do with the DaVinci Code and everything to do with Christ, and comes very much recommended. In short, in my world, faith and doubt are essentially one—and for essentially the same reason. God bless, Eric |
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Admin
General
Gender: Male
Location: USA Registered: Jan 2006 Status: Offline Posts: 810 |
Posted Tuesday, June 6, 2006 @ 04:53 PM
By the way, Sara, I very much appreciate your comments and the characteristic humor with which you express them. Much of what you have said above I have found very true these last several weeks as I have had a chance to unwind and regroup. I think perhaps the disappointment of rejection was not so much an issue, for I have pretty much accepted that for some time now (though at first it was a pretty bitter pill to swallow). But the part about the multiple selves: well, that hits pretty close to home for me. |
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sara
Major
Gender: Unspecified
Location: Registered: Feb 2006 Status: Offline Posts: 1253 |
Posted Tuesday, June 6, 2006 @ 05:47 PM
Thanks for thanking me. To be perfectly honest, after I read your sincere and beautiful response to my rather flippant remarks, my family of selves and I were feeling a little shallow and silly. Even the broad in the attic was humbled. I grew up in a secular household, so I don’t know what it feels like to question the “doctrines of the faith” you were born into, but it must make you feel uncomfortable on many levels…sort of like you are betraying your family and all the wonderful, but traditional, Christians you’ve loved and who have loved you throughout your life…and maybe even Christ Himself. I’m sure, intellectually, you have come to terms with whatever decisions you’ve made in regard to accepting and/or rejecting specific teachings of the church, but I’m sure it wasn’t an easy process. I feel that the ideas you expressed and the words you wrote were inspired…and inspiring…. and “Christian” in the loveliest sense of the word. Keep on keeping on…… |
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karen
First Sergeant
Gender: Unspecified
Location: US Registered: Feb 2006 Status: Offline Posts: 209 |
Posted Friday, June 9, 2006 @ 06:31 PM
Wow. I don’t know what I can add to this discussion other than I totally agree with you, Eric, regarding the Bible and faith and Christ. I, too, have doubts about His divinity. And at the same time, I know He did and does embody the majesty, mystery, goodness, and power that is God. Like you, doctrine leaves me with far more questions than answers, far more discomfort than comfort. I may not know all the truth, but I know what isn’t when I see/hear it many times. And as always, you said it well, with your characteristic thoughtfulness and balance. |
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