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Re (1): Genji: Personal Confessions and Reflections
IP: 146.7.15.153
Posted on March 13, 2004 at 09:52:06 PM by Eric
Hello,
Thank you for your honest response. You know, the last allusion to suffering writer’s block was meant to be somewhat tongue in cheek, though I am beginning to wish I hadn’t written it. (Wry smile.) In any case, you have nailed me in regards to a thankful spirit, for I can assure you that I have not felt much thankfulness at all. While the progression of the newsletter may not have been quite as it appeared—for I did find a great release and the buoyancy of my spirits in writing it—in some cases, it was perhaps a bit understated. For the honest truth of the matter is that I have been feeling more a child of the devil than of God as of late. I have tried seeking the face of God through fasting and prayer, but have not seemed to make much headway. Instead, I have felt very hollow and empty with little to offer others. This factor, of course, explains my complaints of writer’s block. Such things do not happen to a person without cause.
It is as though within me there resides some kind of demon lurking in my veins, for I have felt so much inner rage lately. I don’t really know what has gotten into me. I find myself set off much more easily than usual, a certain indication that I am badly out of balance. I have also entertained romantic thoughts about throwing in the towel in terms of my job, my college career, and even the newsletter. (I have not seriously entertained them, beating them down as soon as they arise, but they have been there no less.)
What I feel more than anything at the moment is a bit numb and a bit cold. I am not normally this way, but I have been feeling really low and defeated lately. I know that your advice is sound, yet for the time being I think that gratitude itself will have to be supplied by God, for I feel so lacking that I cannot even seem to rouse that much of a response.
I debated on leaving this post here, but I felt that in its own antithetical way, it might encourage others. We will not always be up on this Christian journey and whether it be our own fault or no, it is comforting to know that there are others like us who suffer with troubling feelings and discouragement and entertain notions of defeat. I wish that I could say something more pious and wise, but if I tried to write such a thing tonight I would be a liar and little else. And I think far too often we try to wear the fine face for fear that others will think us a heretic. I suppose if we are, we are: better to be an honest heretic than one who paints a smile.
In any case, any and all prayers are coveted. I do not enjoy feeling as I do, for I do believe that God is a good God and I do desire to serve Him. Perhaps the best quotation I read as of late came from a book entitled Wisdom of the Sadhu: Teaching of Sundar Singh available for download from The Plough. In his parable of the five holy men, he recounts the following incident of the first of the holy men, followed by the short, simple, and powerful sentence (that I have taken the liberty to italicize) that hit me full force in the gut last night when I read it:
Once in Haridwar I met a sadhu lying on a bed of nails. I went to him and asked, “To what end do you wound and torture yourself so?” He answered:
“You are a sadhu yourself. Do you not know why I do this? It is my penance. I am destroying the flesh and its desires. I serve God in this way, but I still feel all too clearly the pain of my sins and the evil in my desires. Indeed, the pain of them is far worse than the pain of these nails. My goal is to kill all desire and so to find release from myself and oneness with God. I have been exercising this discipline for eighteen months, but I have not yet reached my goal. Indeed, it is not possible to find release in such a short time; it will take many years, even many lives, before I can hope for release.”
I considered the life of this man. Must we torture ourselves through many lives in order to find true peace? If we do not reach our goal in this life, why should there be another chance in another life? Is it even possible in thousands on thousands of lives? Can such peace ever be found through our own efforts? Must it not be a gift from God? Surely we must seek the life of God, not the death of flesh.
“You are a sadhu yourself. Do you not know why I do this? It is my penance. I am destroying the flesh and its desires. I serve God in this way, but I still feel all too clearly the pain of my sins and the evil in my desires. Indeed, the pain of them is far worse than the pain of these nails. My goal is to kill all desire and so to find release from myself and oneness with God. I have been exercising this discipline for eighteen months, but I have not yet reached my goal. Indeed, it is not possible to find release in such a short time; it will take many years, even many lives, before I can hope for release.”
I considered the life of this man. Must we torture ourselves through many lives in order to find true peace? If we do not reach our goal in this life, why should there be another chance in another life? Is it even possible in thousands on thousands of lives? Can such peace ever be found through our own efforts? Must it not be a gift from God? Surely we must seek the life of God, not the death of flesh.
So then, I not only feel a bit better already, but it is my hope and prayer that God will grant me the grace to seek the life of God and to forget all about this odious, sinful flesh of mine that causes me so much grief and affliction at times. I am nearly certain all things pale in comparison to Him. Would that He pluck the beam of out my eye so that I can once again see the light!
God bless,
Eric
Genji Tales: Lo! the Handmaiden of the Lord