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March 19, 2003
Hello everyone,
This evening, the moon is full and bright and it seems so refreshing to be out walking home after a weary day, feeling the coolness of the night air and the soft, dreamy glow of the moon, even if the city landscape does provide a different setting to view it in. Throughout my day, I have felt drained and depleted, primarily because I was taking advantage of the beautiful sunny day we had here yesterday, walking along the river’s edge with a friend. As a result I not only had sorer legs than usual, but I was draggy all day long. Now the evening has settled in, and my second wind has thankfully settled over me. I have been thinking to myself that I need to somehow tailor my schedule back, and I wouldn’t mind in the least finding a job that allowed me to be up a little later in the evenings, since I tend to be a night person anyway. This week has been especially arduous, as next week is spring break: everything always comes due the week before, which, of course, happens to be this week.
I have been falling back on my resolution to start going to bed an hour earlier each night. The problem is that I want more sleep, I just don’t want to have to go to bed earlier to get it. However, on the days where I have managed to get to bed at least half an hour earlier than usual, I have seen enough success and contrast between the days such as today where I did not get enough rest. I think that much of my depressive tendencies and melancholy often interspersed throughout my writings can be traced back to this lack of sleep.
This evening I feel almost as though I were a kid again, for there is just something within me that is soothed by the nightfall. Another weary day is put to rest and I can finally be alone with my thoughts and my God. I can’t say that I always think to speak to Him, but as I take a stroll around the block, as is often my wont on such beautiful nights, I suddenly remember to talk to Him. If there is ever a period in my life I have been more needy, it is now. Yet in the grueling process of working so many hours and keeping up with my schoolwork, a certain intimacy is forged at times with God, for I must rely on Him. Even though I panic and fret and have not even begun to master the prayers that don’t center on my concerns, needs, and anxieties, He ultimately pulls through for me, often working things out beautifully. In His economy, nothing is wasted, though He worries me at times because He is never early and never late, but right on time: I would prefer He would be a little early.
I think that many times we fail to invite God into the mundane details of our lives. We often feel a longing within to draw closer to God, yet our attempts feel as though we are only clawing and scratching our way up hill. I honestly believe, however, that remembering to include God in the concerns of our lives would work miracles in our lives, even if it wouldn’t always promise us a perfect emotional state of utopian bliss. There have been several instances this past week where someone has told me of things gone wrong—I am speaking of material things here—and though I found myself in an almost identical situation, I strongly believe the reason why things worked out so much better for me was because I consulted God first about the matter.
In my life right now, I don’t have the time to always dig down as deeply as I might like. Yet the one thing I can say beyond all doubts, however, is that prayer is effective and works. Perhaps the greatest evidence for the existence of God is when we put prayer to the test. Soon we will find that the bible speaks the truth when it speaks of the prayers of a righteous man availing much. I do not claim to understand prayer or exactly why God has chosen this method of communication; I do, however, stand in testimony of its transforming power.
There are certainly times in life where the clouds are gray or even black and we experience times of testing. These moments strengthen us probably more than when things are going smoothly. Yet have you ever noticed that just when you feel like you can’t hang on any longer, just when true despair begins to settle in, God pulls through and gives you what you need to keep pressing on through? However, this thankfully is not the case with me this evening. I have much to be grateful for.
I don’t really have much else to say this week. My mind isn’t really up to its usual par of mental calisthenics: for the time simplicity seems so much sweeter. No, my intellectual fountain might not be springing forth right now, but I am grateful to be alive, it is a beautiful night, and I know that prayer changes things. Now then, if you will excuse me, I would really like to have some alone time with my Lord, something that does not happen very often in my world these days. Perhaps next week I’ll tell you what we talked about under this evening’s beautiful lovers’ moon. But I may not share everything, because my God is the only One with Whom I can share some of my deepest longings and thoughts: thoughts that for this evening, at least, I would like to take up in His audience chamber and His audience chamber alone. We have much to speak about this evening, He and I.
Good night. God bless.
Yours,
Eric
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